Hi dear readers,
I just managed to find some time to have some rest and start blogging. I missed that a wee bit and here I am. I have many things to talk about as recently my father-in-law died from lung cancer, and it happened more quickly than expected. Well, deeply within myself I did hope (perhaps a bit too naïvely) he would live longer. I did think this way because he was most of the time smiling, quite welcoming and he even cooked me some vegetarian pasta (I am the only one who is vegetarian in both families). I really appreciated his accepting my vegeterian way of life (even if there are some loopholes I’m not satisfied with, but that’s a long path to becoming what you want to be) and when I ventured about my disillusions (or should I rather say my disenchantment), he told me not to lose hope and that one day things will fall properly into place. He may be right. And I miss him. I wish I could get to know him more and better, despite his flaws.
His demise came the same day when I handed in my resignation letter via e-mail. When I received my boyfriend’s short message that he had jsust died that morning, I started to be nervous. I was working on my lesson plans and I was working so slowly as my mind was overwhelmed by uncontrolled emotions and I felt that my life became so twisted and darker. Most of the things happening to me was unfair. So unfair that my health started to wither. My mind grew darker, I felt sadder with each day passing by, I managed to continue work but deep inside I want to leave everything behind, scream that this life was so unfair. I tried to reason myself and that time will be the only efficent healer in this messy episode of my life. I was right to stand firmly against the storm trying to knock me down.
So, what has changed? No more work crushing me down, I am no more always an aggressive and hypersensitive person who feels she is always in danger. My relationship is breathing, my bank account is a bit upside down (I loathe money issues) but my health is slowly recovering and I am getting to chat a bit with my new colleagues. I am improving as a teacher and I sometimes find real pleasure in preparing lesson plans and in teaching of course 🙂
Some changes are draconian and violent. I hope that my father-in-law now « lives » in peace and protects us with his love. I wish I could get to know him but Destiny has decided otherwise.
On a more positive note, I am sometimes grumpy because of our jobs (we do the same job me and my boyfriend) as it is time and energy-consuming. Sometimes I feel it is eating my relationship. Things are not settled for good yet. I cannot wait for us to get a more stable situation. I want us to move to a house in the countryside but not too far from the city. We can’t even take advantage of the advantages of our city life. There are some venues but we can’t even go there because of some fatigue, because we always have something under way.
But also a frustration 🙂 I wish I could have more time for writing. I remember a good friend of mine talking about Gala Darling’s website when she informed about Mercury Retrograde (which I fear everytime it happens). I wish I could write more about my feelings, my emotions, my impressions and thoughts about life, or some poetry in English or in French, some quotations, etc. And I wish I could say « I love you » to my boyfriend. Been 10 months we are together 🙂 Sometimes I am amazed at the fact I am with him because when we were flatmates I started to harbour some feelings towards him, I felt more beautiful, more desirable, more loveable. Something sparkled inside me when I saw him. I remember when he came into the room where we had a meeting. My lips drew a smile and I could’nt control it. I was falling in love while being in a relationship which didn’t really fit me. Many things were overwhelming me: work, the load of work stuff to prepare, the fatigue which was growing controlessly. It was getting darker but he was the light. Yet I dropped. So badly. At some point when I was near to wanting to die, I remembered him and thought it was just a shame I couldn’t stay. And as I was feeling extremely bad, I said to myself « You will meet another guy, there are other guys out there ». I couldn’t envision anything positive. Not to feel any worse, I pushed that crush away from my life not to feel any sadder.
As life is not always so harsh, I am now with this man. And there many days I am amazed that I can be with him, living in the same flat (with a cat! Another dream come true!) and having some projets for the near future. I am grateful that Destiny (or life or whatever) allowed me to be happy in love. As it was almost never the case. Sometimes I am grumpy at my man and I shouldn’t. Seems I’m not used to this life. But it’s real. Our life (our lives) has not always been that easy but we are still standing. And I always will think about my father-in-law. Life is so short and we waste by cluttering small destructive talks/words/feelings and we should be kinder/nicer and take more time to talk with honesty not to have heavy hearts and to avoid storing hard words.
Now I want to look forward and ahead. I want to breed love and share it with the ones caring for me and my family.