Archives de Tag: changes

XIII in Tarot: great changes stormed in for some improvement

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Hi dear readers,

I just managed to find some time to have some rest and start blogging. I missed that a wee bit and here I am. I have many things to talk about as recently my father-in-law died from lung cancer, and it happened more quickly than expected. Well, deeply within myself I did hope (perhaps a bit too naïvely) he would live longer. I did think this way because he was most of the time smiling, quite welcoming and he even cooked me some vegetarian pasta (I am the only one who is vegetarian in both families). I really appreciated his accepting my vegeterian way of life (even if there are some loopholes I’m not satisfied with, but that’s a long path to becoming what you want to be) and when I ventured about my disillusions (or should I rather say my disenchantment), he told me not to lose hope and that one day things will fall properly into place. He may be right. And I miss him. I wish I could get to know him more and better, despite his flaws.

His demise came the same day when I handed in my resignation letter via e-mail. When I received my boyfriend’s short message that he had jsust died that morning, I started to be nervous. I was working on my lesson plans and I was working so slowly as my mind was overwhelmed by uncontrolled emotions and I felt that my life became so twisted and darker. Most of the things happening to me was unfair. So unfair that my health started to wither. My mind grew darker, I felt sadder with each day passing by, I managed to continue work but deep inside I want to leave everything behind, scream that this life was so unfair. I tried to reason myself and that time will be the only efficent healer in this messy episode of my life. I was right to stand firmly against the storm trying to knock me down.

So, what has changed? No more work crushing me down, I am no more always an aggressive and hypersensitive person who feels she is always in danger. My relationship is breathing, my bank account is a bit upside down (I loathe money issues) but my health is slowly recovering and I am getting to chat a bit with my new colleagues. I am improving as a teacher and I sometimes find real pleasure in preparing lesson plans and in teaching of course 🙂

Some changes are draconian and violent. I hope that my father-in-law now « lives » in peace and protects us with his love. I wish I could get to know him but Destiny has decided otherwise.

On a more positive note, I am sometimes grumpy because of our jobs (we do the same job me and my boyfriend) as it is time and energy-consuming. Sometimes I feel it is eating my relationship. Things are not settled for good yet. I cannot wait for us to get a more stable situation. I want us to move to a house in the countryside but not too far from the city. We can’t even take advantage of the advantages of our city life. There are some venues but we can’t even go there because of some fatigue, because we always have something under way.

But also a frustration 🙂 I wish I could have more time for writing. I remember a good friend of mine talking about Gala Darling’s website when she informed about Mercury Retrograde (which I fear everytime it happens). I wish I could write more about my feelings, my emotions, my impressions and thoughts about life, or some poetry in English or in French, some quotations, etc. And I wish I could say « I love you » to my boyfriend. Been 10 months we are together 🙂 Sometimes I am amazed at the fact I am with him because when we were flatmates I started to harbour some feelings towards him, I felt more beautiful, more desirable, more loveable. Something sparkled inside me when I saw him. I remember when he came into the room where we had a meeting. My lips drew a smile and I could’nt control it. I was falling in love while being in a relationship which didn’t really fit me. Many things were overwhelming me: work, the load of work stuff to prepare, the fatigue which was growing controlessly. It was getting darker but he was the light. Yet I dropped. So badly. At some point when I was near to wanting to die, I remembered him and thought it was just a shame I couldn’t stay. And as I was feeling extremely bad, I said to myself « You will meet another guy, there are other guys out there ». I couldn’t envision anything positive. Not to feel any worse, I pushed that crush away from my life not to feel any sadder.

As life is not always so harsh, I am now with this man. And there many days I am amazed that I can be with him, living in the same flat (with a cat! Another dream come true!) and having some projets for the near future. I am grateful that Destiny (or life or whatever) allowed me to be happy in love. As it was almost never the case. Sometimes I am grumpy at my man and I shouldn’t. Seems I’m not used to this life. But it’s real. Our life (our lives) has not always been that easy but we are still standing. And I always will think about my father-in-law. Life is so short and we waste by cluttering small destructive talks/words/feelings and we should be kinder/nicer and take more time to talk with honesty not to have heavy hearts and to avoid storing hard words.

Now I want to look forward and ahead. I want to breed love and share it with the ones caring for me and my family.

Take care!

Sighild

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Death is Everywhere

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Good evening dear readers,

As I am having some time for myself now I have just decided it would be nice to give some news. Some of you know that I am into Tarology. Well, let’s start with one of the great Major Arcana: Death. This article starts with a picture from the Druidcraft Tarot deck I use whenever I wish to reconnect myself to the Cosmos. I work with the Druidcraft Tarot to get into the ropes of the Wyrd, as a tool to go beyond my basic senses. I must admit it is a complex process to go through, the purpose I would like to reach is beyond my abilities.

And now, you might want to stop me and say: « Why have you put this ominous card? ». Ominous is the word you readily apply to Death (XIII) in any Tarot deck. In any spread, you fear its presence. So do I.  And now, let me tackle some aspects of Death.

Death is everywhere, as Depeche Mode sang it back in 1986. Death has always been everywhere, simply because it is part of Life. You might also respond that Life and Death form a couple, an odd couple. Yes, an odd couple. Let’s go beyond this paradigm. In the Celtic concept of the word, there is Life/Death/Renaissance. Triplicity can be found in Wicca too. I would never talk about Wicca as it is not my cup of tea in the least. Therefore, we do not live or evolve in a dual world, but rather in a triple one. You are born, you grow up (transformations), you live and then you die. Death is the great turnaround, the great passage from a state to another. it’s an in-between state which can be considered a climax, or so.

I would add up that there is Death and little deaths scattering your timeline or your lifelines if you prefer this term. In France, I have seen that a monthly newspaper is tackling the fact we would be able to live several lives in this life down here. How so? Why not but I am not that convinced.

If I wanted to talk about Death in the beginning of this day is that I have noticed this year 2013 is going to end with a row of deaths. As I had written here, this year 2013 has been a busy one. Many events put colours in this new book. Since I changed position, it seems Death is coming closer, not to chop me off of the face of the Earth but spinning around. I do not like it much but I have to come to the conclusion that I must cope with and do with it. Though Death is spinning around, yesterday and today I am feeling happier, still that tired though. I am seeing hope in this dark time, knowing full well this makes me frailer because wintertime has never been easy with me.

To put it in a nutshell, it is up to us to change our viewpoint on Death. True is is easier said than done, true it is sometimes violent to put it this way, true that Death is no cause of pure joy. A necessary evil? I have recently learnt that crises are an evil leading to a betterment in many things which were hit. Death is unbiased, the way we deal with Death is biased. I know full well that I have put it more or less harshly. What we feel and how we feel are parameters we cannot go away from. The lesson is: maybe we should fly away from ourselves to catch a broader view of what we go through.

Now, let’s try to enjoy winterime the best we can.

Take care! 🙂