2014 en révision : merci de m’avoir lue :)

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Les lutins statisticiens de WordPress.com ont préparé le rapport annuel 2014 de ce blog.

En voici un extrait :

Un tramway de San Francisco peut contenir 60 personnes. Ce blog a été visité 660 fois en 2014. S’il était un de ces tramways, il aurait dû faire à peu près 11 voyages pour transporter tout le monde.

Cliquez ici pour voir le rapport complet.

[Upheavals in 2015] Part 1: New contract and Charlie Hebdo

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Hi dear readers,

I’m enjoying a little time on my own after a hard and hectic week of work (some of you might know now that I am a teacher) and I decided to write a short account of the last fortnight opening this new year. If you are aware of what is going on, you may not ignore that the killings at Charlie Hebdo has shaken France so much. So much so that the whole world will know how to say « I am » in French and this « slogan » apparently insignificant or almost meaningless carries a lot more in these three words. Yet I am growing tired of reading anything about Charlie almost everywhere because there are other cruel and inhumane events taking place in many other corners of the world which require our attention. Sure that the last events are questioning how we consider foreign people, foreign customs in our homelands. Nonetheless, tolerance and respect are values which should be advocated as often as possible at any level so as to prevent insane ideologies from spreading into our everyday life. Also, we should put fear away from our minds and our hearts.

I am a bit shocked to notice that Charlie is indeed on all covers of magazines. But what about mass killings in Nigeria? Is that the proof our so-called civlised Western world doesn’t care about Africa. To me, we to often see Africa as a poor parent, a too underdeveloped continent inhabited by ignorant and silly persons. I do think the press (but not also) should embrace its way of dealing with facts and events. What struck in a negative way about human nature is the sale of the latest Charlie Hebdo designed the ones who survived. Yes, a couple of people dared to sell the latest edition on Ebay for a huge price. It’s macabre, disrespectful, grim. I have no words for such an act of « cowardice ». Business is business? SICK BUSINESS! I’m more than fed up with this grim capitalism crushing us all to the point that we are putting our humanity away. The worlds sucks, people suck, we are all prisoners to this world, its rules making us sick, sickening even. This world is mad. Despite the latest horrible events, I am trying to find trust in humans back.

Ok, let’s get to my life. It’s been a great move to a much busier life. And when it’s very busy, it even gets worse. I don’t know how I’m going to « survive ». Lack of good sleep, always on the move, running after time, so much energy consumed for my students, 7 different levels, ect; In a way, I don’t complain because I have a job, a salary. But a low one. I cannot wait to reach a higher level, get a better income to make some dreams come true and be more satisfied at work.

That’s all for now, folks!

[Deep Inside] Anger and Disappointment seething

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Hi folks, I just want to vent what I am feeling deep inside. I’m just back from my yoga lesson and during this lesson, at some point, I started to feel some anger coming up and growing, seething. I’m not sure how to let it out to the person concerned by such a state of mind. I’m afraid it could turn in an ill way.

Here is what I wanted to post on a social networking site:

« Sometimes you can be puzzled (not to say disappointed) when your relatives backed you in your decision and then almost turn their back on you saying it’s your shit and you have to go on with it. Happened several times. I am still worried about what I am about to go through and some words are not entirely killing me but at some point I think I will explode and that’s gonna hurt. »

I tried not to be too clear about what I am going through right now as the person concerned is in my friends’ list. At the same time, I most of the time want to let things out as a sign of being totally sincere, outspoken. It sometimes can be harsh, raw but it’s what I am really feeling and my friends should know how I am feeling, I don’t want to pretend or lie, I just want to show the real me. I have to admit a part of my being may be quite « violent » in the intensity of the feelings I may experience, that’s just the way I am, it seems nothing might change who I am, how I behave, how I react. I have started to see  the positive aspects of this new contract, it will be a busier year than ever in my new profession, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes, I want things to change for the better, in all aspect of my life. But right now I am too tired, tough motivated to have things changed.

The truth I cannot let out, I just hide behind a veil

Sighild

[Smothering what really matters] The perfect woman is a bitch

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Evening dear readers,

I hope you are all enjoying these merry days which are synonymous to meeting up with mates, going out for a drink in a nice and warm pub with close friends and chit-chat with close « girl friends » in a tea room to vent and to talk small (both are just great when you need cheering up). These Xmas holidays are being synonymous to taking up a great challenge which is putting me to the test when it comes to coping with a high level of stress. I am having more hours at my workplaces and I am so afraid of failing, so scared to have my health damaged again.

It seems I have to explain this blogpost’s title. Well, In France you can see in all bookshops a book called  » la femme parfaite est une connasse » which can be translated into « the perfect woman is a bitch ». « Connasse » could alose be translated into « stupid chick ». After mildly arguing with my boyfriend, it came up as a answer putting an end to the argument: « You can see this title everywhere in bookshops even in supermarkets, as I don’t mean to be a silly chick, I don’t mean to be perfect for you ». It came as a not so harsh answer (I suppose I might be much harsher from time to time) because I had again felt offended in my feminity. Why should I always shave my hairs? Yes, my boyfriend’s remark was no glamourous whatsoever but this time I felt the little confidence I have in my feminine power was waning. Why can’t men be gentle? I mean, the last weeks were busy for the both of us, my blood pressure just dwindled and this has much consequence on my life, therefore I admit I didn’t take care of my skin, my hairs and my hair, my nails and so on. Well, I manage to bake a tasty apple pie with cinnamon and almonds, I am cooking a bit more than usual because we both are on holidays. Please, give me a break man!

I’m starting to have enough of all the reproaches I may hear from my work, from my lack of enthusiasm when I’m home, I stop ranting now 🙂 You get what I mean? At some point you just want to break free and wish you didn’t give a damn about most things, my own self-achievement is what matters most with my friends, family and boyfriend.

What is a perfect woman? The one you see in the covers of magazines? The one blowing the best job ever? Or the one standing her ground when it comes to her own conception of feminity, life, etc?

I’m sometimes tired of adulthood, I just want to lead the life I want to, of course not alone but I am tired of explaining, sometimes!

Take care readers! And happy Yule or any celebration which fills your heart with joy 🙂

Sighild

[Growing Old] You ain’t gonna put nothing over on me

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Evening dear readers,

Wherever you may roam, at some point in life we are so fucked up with other people’s opinions getting meddled with our own appreciation of life and its harsh reality.

After talking with my boyfriend I noticed that I am so fed up and worn out by people (close or not at all) giving me pieces of advice in a scornful and or fatherly/motherly tone as though I had no full previous knowledge of life and how to cope with its (many) hardships and deception. As the lack of self-confidence has been a loophole in my entire life, people took advantage of it and seized the opportunity either to preach or to push me down to make me feel like crap. I will never allow that, may the Ones watching over me shake me into reclaiming my own Power.

Other things which have been (and still are) difficult for me to swallow: true that life at work may sometimes be painful and even excruciating when nothing occurrs the way you planned. If things are going tougher for you, you should not vent too much and with well weighed words. When can you speak freely? I kinda understand that complaining can start to be very annoying for the people listening to you but aren’t we all humans, with some weaknesses and hard times in which we all need some care and support?

Growing old may turn into a harsh experience, I cannot wait to attain blissfulness with a free, positive and genuine smile.

Good night dear readers!

Sighild

PS: The title of this post is taken from a sentence in John Steinbeck’s novella Of Mice and Men

Bad patch and questioning the present facing a blank future

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Hi dear readers,

(Warning: I mostly question my life due to professional issues, in a personal aspect my life is going quite well).

I hope you are going well, or you should feel better than me at the present time. Still two days and one full week before Xmas holidays. I must underline that I crave to close and « bury » this year. It’s been an rollercoaster, almost an ordeal and many events, various emotions and beginnings and endings have come and gone. At work, life hasn’t been easy, quite tough sometimes. Hopefully, some colleagues make me laugh, sometimes I find the older (or younger?) me, the other me who can laugh and make fun of situations and of people without any wicked thought.

Yesterday was quite a long day, with ups and downs, mostly downs but in the end I did quite well (especially in the end of the day). Monday has also been a long one. I loathe Mondays, Tuesdays. It may change. We will soon see. By the way, my life could change a bit as of January and I hope it will change the way I plan. I cross my fingers and trust my Deities for a better beginning for a new year.

Many thoughts were running through my head, this was quite busy inside and I wish I could write everything on a piece of paper to get back to these thoughts as they would help me improve my reasoning when it comes to growing up and becoming a better teacher. Do I still want to keep going in this profession? I am wodnering myself as this job requires solid nerves and a certain detachment as teens tend to be crueller and show less and less respect to grown-ups and authority in general.

This morning I was advised not to vent about my hardships and that I should do with them. Actually it’s not that simple and it’s more easily said than done. He is not wrong but at the same time you may feel horribly down, crap and left on your own devices, with few tools to help you get back to the surface to breathe.

Yeah, I can’t wait fro Xmas to come as this year I am going to celebrate a so-called Xtian day based upon pagan beliefs in my two families, for the very first time in my life.

Sorry for not cheering you up through my posts but it seems winter and I are at odds.

Take care!

Sighild

Rebelling… and growing up?

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Evening dear readers or whoever dares to wander off on this blog. Very few here know me in my readership and this « drawback » arises as an advantage, thus allowing me to rant, vent whatever hurts, racks, fills me with joy or makes me run amok.

In today’s society, Xmas is the end of the year celebration no-one can escape. Even if I sort of rejoice at the coming of this day, I am not profoundly happy and merry. At the outset of human society it was a pagan/polytheistic set of beliefs later stolen by new born Christians. I don’t necessarily loathe them, I loathe humanity for covering raw and true beliefs with a muddy and cheesy gloss with the help of conquerors of a faith long smeared by (male) leaders smothering any liberty we may expore within ourselves. Humankind can be very twisted, wicked even.

I can’t pray. I sometimes send ephemereal thoughts to the Deities I would like to pray to but I feel I am cheating on them, disrespecting them because I am overwhelmed with my work load and I do hate that. Therefore, Yule is not the celebration I am going to try this year. I am so drowned with my earthling’s life that I neglect my spiritual one. And I do hate that.

I am on a sick leave as some viruses and the cold decided to take me over. It was not fun at all and fought beyond my limits. I am so glad to be at home 🙂 On the one hand, I had some time to get rid of the red tape stuff I put away to forget about it but it always catches up with you. On the other hand, I had some time to sleep, do the cleaning (well, I am no cleaning lady) and most of the experience, notice that I do need time for myself and I am not satisfied with my life because of my job. It’s not that I hate my job but I’m hating it because it is crushing me. Seems it will be like this for at least 2 years. So yeah I am wondering about an alternative, if I am on the right way, if I am abiding by my profound desires, will. Sometimes it seems I am answering my own financial and social needs but the higher ones. But what can you do in this sickening world without money? My boyfriend and I do not earn big money and this frustrates us much.

Yes, I am rebelling, I have to give some huge money back and everything costs more and wages are not raised. This cannot go on like this. Why are we all bowing to this Money God? Moreover running out of time and running after time is starting to make me mad and feel older and grumpy. Jeez, I need to wake up and see the brighter side of life but I am not managing. Help!

Ok, let’s get back to work. Nothing or nobody is extending an invitation, no wonder this society is turning « me, myself and I »

[Hungarian Poetry] Ősapám

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Here is a Hungarian poem by József Attila, put into « music » by Laura Weixelbaum (you can easily find the song on Youtube)

Fakó köntösben, hószín ménlován, Álomban, éjjel, itt jár Ősapám, Ruhája egyszerű, díszt nem visel, De nagy szemében őserő tüzel.  Dús hosszú fürtje barna mint a föld, Vasmarka kérges, nagy tusákra tört, Süvegje mellett karvalyszárnya száll, Előtte messze száz vitéz halál.  Rézarca, mint a gondos est, nyugodt, – Kacagni tán soha nem is tudott – Nyakán feszülnek holló-vérerek, Tömbmelle vulkán tengerek felett.  Leszáll lovárul – tán Hadúr maga! – Bronzajka mozdul s nem hallik szava, Rám néz, szemembe, kezet fog velem, Bús apa bús fiával, csendesen.

If some of my readers are Hungarian, please do teach me the basic grammar to understand this poem, that would help me much 🙂

[Prayer] To Athena for Wisdom

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Hi dear readers, here is a prayer written by a person who holds a page on Facebook about Hellenism and she is quite dedicated to Athena. I would like to humbly post here, thanks for her devotion, may Athena be praised and may she spread wisdom and kindness to us all in the coming of wintertime.
Clear-eyed Athena, unrivaled in wisdom,
daughter of Zeus and Metis whose craft and wit
excelled among the mighty Titans: Athena,
I pray to you. Wise in all things you are, goddess;
your cunning and guile are well known. In time of war
you have no equal in tactics or in strategy;
many armies have you guided to victory.
In time of peace your blessings fall on those whose work
is of the mind–friend of the philosopher,
the scientist, the student. Advisor of kings,
patron of clever heroes and bold-hearted
adventurers, defender of the thinker,
mistress of reason and understanding, goddess
to whom a strong arm and a sharp sword are nothing
without the sense to wield them well and the insight
to know when words are worth more than weapons.
Athena, grant me a sound mind and steady temper,
bless me with good judgment, show me the long view.

*Nemanja Danilovic (Νεμάνια Αρχαιολόγος)*