Voie guerrière, la guerre contre soi-même

Par défaut

Prendre du recul

L'Antre de Morrigan

« We can learn to recognize when we are at war with ourselves,
and decide to pause and deepen our attention. » – Tara Brach

Notre quête du soi sur la voie guerrière doit être bien équilibrée. Tantôt nous devons apprendre à faire la paix, tantôt nous devons chasser ce qui est inadéquat. Peut-être que la différence se situe dans la manière de procéder ?

Le travail dit « sombre » (jungien), sur nos peurs, nos doutes, nos défauts, notre psyché, etc, nous met face à nos faiblesses, nos angoisses, et autres. Oui, nous sommes tous faillibles. Oui, nous avons tous des défauts. Mais quelle approche sera la plus efficace pour ne pas recommencer ? Faut-il se taper les doigts à la règle comme les anciens maîtres d’école ? Est-ce que cela rentre mieux ? A priori non ;  a priori, cela sera même contre-productif car ça fera naître un cycle de culpabilité, de…

View original post 209 mots de plus

Publicités

[Upset] Starting from Scratch again

Par défaut

*Beware, I just need to let go of what boils in me, things have to be written*

Hi dear readers,

I have had no time recently to get back to blogging about what life throws at me. And this year has not been an easy one: resignation, a demise, not feeling well at the workplace, feeling crap and the feeling of having always been the one who does not speak and the one who has to listen because she can fit in even though I tried. Many feelings (anger, sadness, bitterness, self-hate, low self-esteem, etc) have run through my soul and some seem to like lingering.

My job AND the working conditions have always angered me. It implies the need to talk about it, when you are feeling down. What has always struck me is that it seems that talking out about it is a taboo. Some people might retort; ‘But hey why don’t you quit your job and start doing something else?’ This angers me like hell: ‘Hey you, who the fuck you are to give great advice? Are you in my shoes, do you know me better than I do? Do you think it’s easy as ABC to quit a job as if by magic? So do it yourself then if you think that’s soooo easy. For fuck sake, just have a clear look at statistics: how many people on the dole? How many people struggling to find a job meeting up their background, even if they are trying to lower their ambitions?’ Since I am a teacher, never have I been on the dole. Even if my work experience so far has been a bit chaotic (always underpaid), I have learnt a lot, but not always in the positive way. Hence the fact I’ve been hating human kind more and more. And sometimes, myself. And this sickening system.

Now that I am a real grown-up, I cannot stand receiving (and having to receive) so-called ‘paternalistic advice’ or mothering scolding from ANYONE! I do loathe being preached as if I were a child.

Scratch, I know you too well! Leave me alone, please as soon as possible!

Nemetona: Goddess of Boundaries and Edges, Sanctuary and Freedom Presentation

Par défaut

I need to watch it later 🙂

Down the Forest Path

I had a wonderful time yesterday at the Leaping Hare Pagan Conference in Colchester, Essex.  I was honoured to be asked by the organisers at the end of last year to present, give a talk on the goddess Nemetona after having received requests throughout the year following the release of my second book, Dancing With Nemetona: A Druid’s Exploration of Sanctuary and Sacred Space.

It was a really enjoyable experience. I have been going to Leaping Hare for many, many years now and there is a real community spirit, a real sense of well-being and support. Thank you to everyone for your kind words, messages and emails following the talk – may we be the awen!

View original post

Still Busy but Digging New Musical Treasures

Par défaut

Good evening folks,

I hope you are doing fine. As for me, I am trying not to sink again, seems I’m fighting quite alright but inside I sometimes want to die to be born again. Isn’t it surprising if I admire the phoenixes so much?

It’s not the best music I found today but it reminds me of how much I miss reading about shamanism. I miss studying esoterism and spirituality, praying so much. Being a teacher is no fun when you start, sometimes it’s a real bore or even an ordeal. I may sometimes want to die when getting up from my bed. So weird and creepy. Well, maybe I’m scared and courageous at the same time or a bit masochistic?

Today me and boyfriend invited his family (his father died from cancer one month ago) at your place. The weather had been awful and at some point I started to behave like a social awkward person. Starting to get my lessons prepared for tomorrow while they were still at our place.

I’m so fatigued and bored. Wanna feel pumped up once again.

Take care dear readers.

Sighild

XIII in Tarot: great changes stormed in for some improvement

Par défaut

Hi dear readers,

I just managed to find some time to have some rest and start blogging. I missed that a wee bit and here I am. I have many things to talk about as recently my father-in-law died from lung cancer, and it happened more quickly than expected. Well, deeply within myself I did hope (perhaps a bit too naïvely) he would live longer. I did think this way because he was most of the time smiling, quite welcoming and he even cooked me some vegetarian pasta (I am the only one who is vegetarian in both families). I really appreciated his accepting my vegeterian way of life (even if there are some loopholes I’m not satisfied with, but that’s a long path to becoming what you want to be) and when I ventured about my disillusions (or should I rather say my disenchantment), he told me not to lose hope and that one day things will fall properly into place. He may be right. And I miss him. I wish I could get to know him more and better, despite his flaws.

His demise came the same day when I handed in my resignation letter via e-mail. When I received my boyfriend’s short message that he had jsust died that morning, I started to be nervous. I was working on my lesson plans and I was working so slowly as my mind was overwhelmed by uncontrolled emotions and I felt that my life became so twisted and darker. Most of the things happening to me was unfair. So unfair that my health started to wither. My mind grew darker, I felt sadder with each day passing by, I managed to continue work but deep inside I want to leave everything behind, scream that this life was so unfair. I tried to reason myself and that time will be the only efficent healer in this messy episode of my life. I was right to stand firmly against the storm trying to knock me down.

So, what has changed? No more work crushing me down, I am no more always an aggressive and hypersensitive person who feels she is always in danger. My relationship is breathing, my bank account is a bit upside down (I loathe money issues) but my health is slowly recovering and I am getting to chat a bit with my new colleagues. I am improving as a teacher and I sometimes find real pleasure in preparing lesson plans and in teaching of course 🙂

Some changes are draconian and violent. I hope that my father-in-law now « lives » in peace and protects us with his love. I wish I could get to know him but Destiny has decided otherwise.

On a more positive note, I am sometimes grumpy because of our jobs (we do the same job me and my boyfriend) as it is time and energy-consuming. Sometimes I feel it is eating my relationship. Things are not settled for good yet. I cannot wait for us to get a more stable situation. I want us to move to a house in the countryside but not too far from the city. We can’t even take advantage of the advantages of our city life. There are some venues but we can’t even go there because of some fatigue, because we always have something under way.

But also a frustration 🙂 I wish I could have more time for writing. I remember a good friend of mine talking about Gala Darling’s website when she informed about Mercury Retrograde (which I fear everytime it happens). I wish I could write more about my feelings, my emotions, my impressions and thoughts about life, or some poetry in English or in French, some quotations, etc. And I wish I could say « I love you » to my boyfriend. Been 10 months we are together 🙂 Sometimes I am amazed at the fact I am with him because when we were flatmates I started to harbour some feelings towards him, I felt more beautiful, more desirable, more loveable. Something sparkled inside me when I saw him. I remember when he came into the room where we had a meeting. My lips drew a smile and I could’nt control it. I was falling in love while being in a relationship which didn’t really fit me. Many things were overwhelming me: work, the load of work stuff to prepare, the fatigue which was growing controlessly. It was getting darker but he was the light. Yet I dropped. So badly. At some point when I was near to wanting to die, I remembered him and thought it was just a shame I couldn’t stay. And as I was feeling extremely bad, I said to myself « You will meet another guy, there are other guys out there ». I couldn’t envision anything positive. Not to feel any worse, I pushed that crush away from my life not to feel any sadder.

As life is not always so harsh, I am now with this man. And there many days I am amazed that I can be with him, living in the same flat (with a cat! Another dream come true!) and having some projets for the near future. I am grateful that Destiny (or life or whatever) allowed me to be happy in love. As it was almost never the case. Sometimes I am grumpy at my man and I shouldn’t. Seems I’m not used to this life. But it’s real. Our life (our lives) has not always been that easy but we are still standing. And I always will think about my father-in-law. Life is so short and we waste by cluttering small destructive talks/words/feelings and we should be kinder/nicer and take more time to talk with honesty not to have heavy hearts and to avoid storing hard words.

Now I want to look forward and ahead. I want to breed love and share it with the ones caring for me and my family.

Take care!

Sighild

ouroboros

Par défaut

Quite complex but a very interesting article 🙂

Sesquiotica

Does this word have a familiar ring to it? A tale come round once again?

It’s a riverrun of a word, a liquid motion. The four rings rolling past o o o o make me think of the Lazy River, a waterpark feature that runs in a never-ending ring; you grab an inner tube and hop in and ride it, around and back to where you started and, if you so wish, around and around again, like an Escher staircase. Everything is downstream from everything else, and upstream from it too.

Well, yes, I’m referring as much to the sense as to the form. The word does seem as though it could start and end in other places – souroboro, osourobor, rosourobo, orosourob, borosouro, oborosour, roborosou, uroboroso – and it would be equally inscrutable, but it is the endless, self-feeding ring that it names that truly comes to mind: the…

View original post 688 mots de plus

[Need to Vent] Cold and Hot Wind to Blow

Par défaut

Evening dear readers,

I’m here again to vent as I need it so much. The changes that have recently occurred in my life are making me a madder, angrier, more revolted person than ever before. Mad at myself, mad at the French bureaucracy, I’m going nuts. I’m overworked and an overwhelming load is smothering my poor struggling brain, even at night around 3 o’clock in the morning when I should be sleeping. I’m not, I cannot stop thinking, like riding in the wind at no avail with weak legs.

This madness is seething in my whole being: backaches, always hungry and thirsty (even more when it’s not going well with my students), very poor nights, so much stuff under way both for work and our flat. And to top it off, a person sorta close to me won’t be healed and cured from cancer. That came out like a knife stabbing my soul. This year has started as a thunderstorm. The lesser matter is that I have to struggle to get things fixed about my salary. Money matters are getting slightly annoying at the moment.

I would so much like to get more relaxed and merrier, more cheerful but I can’t. And I have to be patient to enjoy a calmer time within a week. One week to go, can’t wait for this nightmare to end.

May Athena be blessed and guide my soul for a greater stamina in order to achieve satisfactory tasks.

Sighild

2014 en révision : merci de m’avoir lue :)

Par défaut

Les lutins statisticiens de WordPress.com ont préparé le rapport annuel 2014 de ce blog.

En voici un extrait :

Un tramway de San Francisco peut contenir 60 personnes. Ce blog a été visité 660 fois en 2014. S’il était un de ces tramways, il aurait dû faire à peu près 11 voyages pour transporter tout le monde.

Cliquez ici pour voir le rapport complet.

[Upheavals in 2015] Part 1: New contract and Charlie Hebdo

Par défaut

Hi dear readers,

I’m enjoying a little time on my own after a hard and hectic week of work (some of you might know now that I am a teacher) and I decided to write a short account of the last fortnight opening this new year. If you are aware of what is going on, you may not ignore that the killings at Charlie Hebdo has shaken France so much. So much so that the whole world will know how to say « I am » in French and this « slogan » apparently insignificant or almost meaningless carries a lot more in these three words. Yet I am growing tired of reading anything about Charlie almost everywhere because there are other cruel and inhumane events taking place in many other corners of the world which require our attention. Sure that the last events are questioning how we consider foreign people, foreign customs in our homelands. Nonetheless, tolerance and respect are values which should be advocated as often as possible at any level so as to prevent insane ideologies from spreading into our everyday life. Also, we should put fear away from our minds and our hearts.

I am a bit shocked to notice that Charlie is indeed on all covers of magazines. But what about mass killings in Nigeria? Is that the proof our so-called civlised Western world doesn’t care about Africa. To me, we to often see Africa as a poor parent, a too underdeveloped continent inhabited by ignorant and silly persons. I do think the press (but not also) should embrace its way of dealing with facts and events. What struck in a negative way about human nature is the sale of the latest Charlie Hebdo designed the ones who survived. Yes, a couple of people dared to sell the latest edition on Ebay for a huge price. It’s macabre, disrespectful, grim. I have no words for such an act of « cowardice ». Business is business? SICK BUSINESS! I’m more than fed up with this grim capitalism crushing us all to the point that we are putting our humanity away. The worlds sucks, people suck, we are all prisoners to this world, its rules making us sick, sickening even. This world is mad. Despite the latest horrible events, I am trying to find trust in humans back.

Ok, let’s get to my life. It’s been a great move to a much busier life. And when it’s very busy, it even gets worse. I don’t know how I’m going to « survive ». Lack of good sleep, always on the move, running after time, so much energy consumed for my students, 7 different levels, ect; In a way, I don’t complain because I have a job, a salary. But a low one. I cannot wait to reach a higher level, get a better income to make some dreams come true and be more satisfied at work.

That’s all for now, folks!

[Deep Inside] Anger and Disappointment seething

Par défaut

Hi folks, I just want to vent what I am feeling deep inside. I’m just back from my yoga lesson and during this lesson, at some point, I started to feel some anger coming up and growing, seething. I’m not sure how to let it out to the person concerned by such a state of mind. I’m afraid it could turn in an ill way.

Here is what I wanted to post on a social networking site:

« Sometimes you can be puzzled (not to say disappointed) when your relatives backed you in your decision and then almost turn their back on you saying it’s your shit and you have to go on with it. Happened several times. I am still worried about what I am about to go through and some words are not entirely killing me but at some point I think I will explode and that’s gonna hurt. »

I tried not to be too clear about what I am going through right now as the person concerned is in my friends’ list. At the same time, I most of the time want to let things out as a sign of being totally sincere, outspoken. It sometimes can be harsh, raw but it’s what I am really feeling and my friends should know how I am feeling, I don’t want to pretend or lie, I just want to show the real me. I have to admit a part of my being may be quite « violent » in the intensity of the feelings I may experience, that’s just the way I am, it seems nothing might change who I am, how I behave, how I react. I have started to see  the positive aspects of this new contract, it will be a busier year than ever in my new profession, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes, I want things to change for the better, in all aspect of my life. But right now I am too tired, tough motivated to have things changed.

The truth I cannot let out, I just hide behind a veil

Sighild