Hello dear readers,
I can’t imagine how long I have been away from my lair and this makes me feel I’m now growing old. I shouldn’t say I’m older, but definitely I’m not as young and fresh as I was seven years ago.
Well, what about catching up? I wish not to mention the killings which saddened my country and all the killings making this world a hell as I’ve come to the conclusion that as a pessimistic and melancholy person I should try another way, for the better, but not only for myself. Reading many blogs and some books or even attending some short lectures about well-being and self-development were triggers on the way to self-betterment.How many times have I felt awful, because of myself but also because of others (and some of those others shouldn’t matter that much in my mind)? It was about time to seriously move forward, on many levels and in many fields.
As I’ve been struggling to move forward, sometimes I felt awkward, clumsy, ridiculous even. Last year, I had to commute two hours a day to and back for work and I can tell you that time was hell. My nerves were put on trial and it happened that I had to be on short sick leaves to recover a bit. That was not enoug: I was preparing to sit exams to get a brighter professional situation. In the beginning of that school year, I had come to the conclusion I would not have enoug time to sit this exam.
What sparked a sudden of change of mine was when I was visited by a colleage (the headmaster intended to help me with the visits of this person) for maybe the 5th time. I was feeling so exhausted and in a deadlock where I was stuck and couldn’t improve my teaching that I decided on a rash to make some space for the preparation of this exam. By the way, as long as I can recall, I had enrolled for both exams: one for secondary and high school and the other I hadn’t intended to prepare, for vocation high school.
I wouldn’t dare to admit it was not so hard. It was but my professional began to matter more than the lessons I could teach, even more when my boyfriend does the same job. Indeed I was feeling awful and felt my efforts didn’t pay much. If I hadn’t shaken my sad and frozen mind and recalled the dull life I had led when I had been a student, I would have regretted it as I’m speaking of today. Because my efforts, at last, are starting to pay. I have passed this exam but not the one I prepared myself for. But who cares?
I remember when I had to sit for the written part, when I had to compose in English a literary commentary or something similar, I had a moment when I was out of the thinking process. I was wondering what I was doing here. When I handed in my copy, I felt crappy. I came back to my aunt’s place and phoned boyfriend to tell him I was disappointed and puzzled. He managed to reassure me but still I felt disappointed.
The next day, I had French literature. The same for the oral part, I managed to feel better as I was writing the draft paper. The more I was writing, the more satisfied I felt. Surprisingly (or not) my best grades can be found in the French part, not in the Englis part. Surprising? Well, maybe not so much but anyway I did it! 🙂
Now I am back in my city and doing what I may call a probation year. My colleagues are nice, I have fewer hours of teaching but so much work!!! And of course it stresses me like hell! Even if I am a bit of a grumpy person I can’t say I’m unhappy: I have a cat, a supportive and encouraging Dad, I think of my Grand dad when I need spiritual help, a wonderful boyfriend, a great flat (even if next year, if all goes well, I plan to move into a house in the countryside), a better salary, my health is better than last year, boyfriend is sitting this exam in the hope to be in the same situation as I’m now (even if he will have more teaching hours and less days of training).
There’s one flipside to this coin though: friends and social life in general. It’s true we have holidays but these holidays are busy with work (not all days) and in general you are mostly drained and need to recover; and as far as I’m concerned, I can’t keep thinking about it and it’s so hard for me to stop thinking. I am doing some sports in a sport centre and it’s not so easy to be regular about it. Well, at least I’ve decided to pay for this sport centre where I can go as often as I want. I’ve taken zumba lessons back, I’ve started Pilates (it is quite complementary to the Yoga I practised two years ago) and mean to start Piloxing in January.
I have decided to come back on my blog to instil more life into it. I first write for myself, to leave a trace somewhere and it is a good means to have a reflection of what’s been going on in my life, in my soul. If some detractors, hard-mouthed »invisible » visitors think that I like to show myself, well, you’re wrong. At some point in someone’s life you need to a few steps back and have the big picture, reflect on it and move forward without forgetting what has made us, in good or ill.
There’s a moment in 2016 (of course I was going to mention the end of this rock’n’roll-ish year!) when I felt quite at peace. July and August were great months in this year. At last I could see a friend of mine I hadn’t seen in 8 years in Spain (well, I was ill and the heat was much too much for me), we had wonderful moments in Puy du Fou (two days out of the madness of this world) and 6 days great days in Britanny. On leaving Britanny, stress came back and some tears streamed on my cheeks. I need Britanny. And we are going to have 3 days there, again because it’s vital for me.
There were some moments I don’t wish to relive at all. And at the surprise of some friends, I can’t describe the intricate situation. It’s over, too much and unnecessary pain. Surprise, I am naturally pessimistic person but I don’t want to linger on the negative days whatsoever.
I now yearn for more time and availability for my soul to dedicate hours of my week to spirituality. I recently read an article about Angerona, the Goddess of Rome, great at managing anxiety and inspiring silence and quietness. I may have found another deity to dig on. At some point I started to realise I would need Hestia on my side. My home matters and thisis my shelter from this post-modern world. What about Hekate? I have tried but fear that my call to her is unadequate and awkward. And perhaps I need counselling? As far as I can see, Athena remains the One for me. I often link her to Hermes for a better and more efficient communication (my profession is deeply linked to communication). I might have called Odin, as I need wisdom and a protector, a guide. nonetheless, I am not too keen on this connection as I mostly fear him. Though Athena is distant, I feel her warmer and kinder. And now, my heart says to my mind: » maybe Grand Dad has been playing the same part as Athena ».
Athena is my leader, not my master. I abhorre the term « master ». I am Celt and it’s a bit strange that I’ve been thinking about building a little altar (or temple) dedicated only my ancestors as in the Ancient Roman way, with dar red, plants, wood sticks and candles. So far, I just have my Grand Dad’s picture, with his smile in the Mona Lisa manner. I wish I could have known him…
For a time I have been into lithotherapy and I still carry stones with me to get protection and stamina. I’ve been a terrible witch recently, I’m not connected to lunar cycles and haven’t celebreated any new Pagan celebreations (because I don’t know how to do and don’t want to celebreate alone). I’m candles short but I burn sage and incense (maybe it’s no good for my health). And I have many books waiting to be read.
I haven’t prayed but recited names repeatedly in times of acute stress or despair. I haven’t proceeded to a grand purification of my home but burnt sage and incense. I haven’t prayed while having a shower but tried to focus on greater and positive energies to fill me up with strength and clarity of mind. And before sitting my oral exam of French literature, I cheered myself up inside « haut les coeurs » in my mother tongue. In the car I listened in a holy way to Wardruna’s songs to give me strength and stamina, and some courage too.
I haven’t danced for Apollon or Osiris or any God or Goddess to send thanks but I have attended a joyful gig in my hometown and my soul enjoyed it as it brought some sun to this winter.
I haven’t written but I have read and pleasure has been present. It’s harder now. Though it’s harder I’m trying to rekindle this pleasure.
Time stands as ever grander, more fleeting and more inevitable in the frustrations He has left me in this life. Though I have frustrations and some regrets and some wounds, I have seen that I’ve walked a way that resembles me more than some years ago. May it go on this way in a broader and deeper sense now 🙂
Read me soon (I may have other stuff in store for you)