[Autumn’s cleaning time] Letting off steam

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Hi dear readers, I hope you are fine and that you are not starting to get mildly depressed with this weather. In France, the fog leaves some cold drops on my windscreen before I drive to my workplace and daytime is shortened with each day passing by. We are getting closer to winter and as a Polytheist, I am trying to get closer to the Gods and the Goddesses so as to remember my forefathers. But with the job I have, that’s no easy task whatsoever.

Anyway, I am not gonna be pondering on my position, I would rather write about some disappointing words or moments weighing on my heart. I will attempt to write about more positive subjects at the end of this post.

To start with, here is what I just posted on my Facebook account: Lately (and that’s still the case) I have been disappointed, even deceived by some close people. With all the changes, some other unexpected changes puzzled me and it adds up to my ambivalent stance towards humanity. I thought I was becoming more positive; still, as I can get hypersensitive, touchy even, I need to let off steam or I’ll get mad. That being said, I can assert that my life has got better recently but that does not mean everything is perfect, so I can assure you shouldn’t be jealous of me. If you do envy me, I would like to see you carry all the burden I have inside my head/soul/mind whatever you may call it. Instead of being jealous of others, try to improve your own life in the first place before spitting venom-like frustration. Enough for today here.

Why have I posted sarcastic, heavy and somewhat angry statuses? A person I thought was a close friend of mine turned sour and bitter toward me as things are picking up for me. (S)he even started to show a darker aspect of his/her personality, an almost insane one, which scared me but as I can be very patient for wrong reasons, I told myself (s)he was going through tough times (but (s)he seems not to truly struggle to make himself/herself happier and more cheerful, as if it was a sufficient reason to exist through that misery).This person wished harm, unhappiness. Besides, I was told somebody lodged a complaint against him/her, hiding then a shadowy aspect of violence, because of that insane jealousy.

Some of you (and some of my close friends) may think I am self-centered (a person reproached me with such an adjective, showing my guilt for not being as present as I used to be for this person in particular). You might be right. I just wrote that you might be right. My life was both eventful and uneventful. Let me put it clearly: my life used to be boring (for various reasons) and a bunch of mishaps coloured my life portrait. I got bored because I didn’t meet people like me, or rather people with whom I could interact properly and sanely. I could go out, hang around with « friends ». I felt out of place, like a misfit (I may be a real one actually, even though I am different today but not that much deep inside). When I think back of what happened with that person (but also of what I endured or went though with others) I should not hang around with people suffering from depressing thus getting me lower lows. I have had my share of tough times, because of and with depressed people. I’ve grown tired of feeling pushed downwards. I am weary of silencing the real me (which, I have to admit, can be quite harsh).

Now I would like to take a new direction, still with the same subject. Before carrying one, I would like to confess my lack of communication. I communicate in bizarre ways: I can run away from somebody but this process has proved lately the person cannot understand fully what the message is behind such a reaction; I can speak too ironically and too sarcastically (while I though it would be some tease but it seems I am quite awkward with irony and sarcasm) showing the harsh words which brewed in me for too long; I say yes instead of a firm and dark no; or I am in no mood for justifying how I am feeling. I sometimes loathe myself for sucking so much at effective communication. Nobody’s perfect and I’m not (though I inconsciously aim at it, thank you Freud and Mom).

Oops, the same subject or so. Yes, I may suck at effective communication with my family and friends. But is anybody that skilled? I don’t think so. Some are much more expert at it than I. What can make me mad (sad and a wee bit revengeful) is reproaching me with words, behaviour linked to the past, even more when I cannot fight back at the right time. What’s the point in doing that? Before I carry on, it happened to me not to be able to let words out at the appropriate and righ time when things were starting to grow sour to me. I wonder how I can improve. Having things said is the key but how do you do when you have not been able to root out the evil? Your anger blended with sadness and pain is growing stronger, bitterer and rooting out the evil might be more painful than expected. At the same time, you cannot go on this way. What do you do then?

Let me be harsh and straightforward: I have been feeling sad (without showing it) because friends put a distance as things started to pick up for me. I felt it was unfair, though I can understand some of them are going through a hard time. But when they were happy and upbeat, I was in the doldrums, down-hearted, unsure of my own future. I was trying to be happy for them while I was unhappy with my own case. I told myself « Be happy for them because if they were unhappy, it would be much worse for you ». Life is complex, isn’t it?

I am so grateful for having friends (thank you Angie for your nice gifts :)), another friend I cannot wait to see again (tea lovers, what about Halloween?), my best friend who seems to have found a sane boyfriend. I cannot wait to see my family, I cannot wait to put on the clothes I used to wear about 7 years ago. I cannot wait to express the real me again, the dark but open-minded one, always hungry for new creative challenges and novelties.

Thanks for reading me, I am feeling the will to carry on with this blog, I wish I had more timed dedicated for that.

Take care! 🙂

Sighild

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